REVIEW OF CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR

CAPTAIN AMERICA needs a push for a third movie and it's Tony Stark's Iron Man to the rescue Year: 2016

Will try to keep this short as possible, because the movie itself, while running over two-hours, really only consists of one twenty-minute scene: that being a battle pitting just about every Marvel Avenger, except Thor and The Hulk, and including the new Spider-man, against each other: Tom Holland's Peter Parker, in his first scene bonding with Robert Downey Jr's Tony Stark, before the fight, has good acting chops, but his voice through the costume sounds way too young, more befitting a Nickelodeon cartoon than something of the Marvel Canon...

New Spidey

Then again, it's all getting pretty cartoonish... Not in a silly way like Joel Schumacher did to the BATMAN series after Tim Burton dropped out... But it seems, at this point, like almost everyone is a superhero... And not all of them are very interesting... The young girl Witch, for example, a vengeful African Prince, and The Falcon, who actually compares Stark, who has falsely accused his innocent cohorts, to Mark Fuhrman, of all people: for the young generation too young to remember, Fuhrman was the stupid red herring cop whose prior actions got an obvious double-murderer off the hook... And, well, Falcon always has been a reach, forced onto the audience with a device way too easy and no particular skills that could stretch beyond an ensemble, and now his abundant use of sarcastic one-liners are trying to equal Tony's.... But no one can provide a quip like Robert Downey Jr...

The Captain

That was before every single word he uttered became something to either laugh at or think that you should, even when you shouldn't. He's basically the party pooper here without realizing, eventually thanks to a childhood memory's violent resolve, brought forth by an intentionally weak, goading villain whose purpose is to, like the title CIVIL WAR implies, set all the superheroes against each other. And in that aforementioned battle taking place at an airport, just outside the hangar, also including Paul Rudd's Ant Man, it's a visual treat...

Too Many Cooks

Too bad everything else is, like Detective (and wannabe author, whose racist recordings were from a book's dialogue) Mark Fuhrman was to that horrendously half-baked trial during the tabloid-driven 1990's, a mere distraction, leading us towards, and then away from, the grand airport bash: and that's pretty much that...

A video game (crossed with an old school political thriller, like the second installment) could have pulled off what this third CAPTAIN AMERICA, whose personal instinct to stand by his lifelong pal, The Winter Soldier, resembling a grunge musician imitating Mark Wahlberg more than a comic book figure, puts he and Iron Man on opposite camps... But there's just no warning anyone prepared to fully love this venture that it's completely mediocre, at best. And the Christlike Avenger with the red face...Why does he even f---ing exist? Marvel need a Vulcan or something?

RATING: **
TRIVIA: Realizing now that even youngsters know about O.J. from the current hit mini-series TRUE CRIME STORIES, or whatever it's called, but if anyone young is reading, O.J. had one of his victim's blood inside his own vehicle, tried escaping in said white truck, all but forgotten during a trial in which a slick (and now dead) lawyer tricked a minority jury, all under the impression that golfing millionaire Simpson was just like they are... Thank God for Justice, and Las Vegas!

And for people who are tired of trailers, there is some good news, for even better than this flick (which isn't good to begin with) is a surprisingly great trailer for what seemed to be a stretch in STAR WARS ROGUE ONE, featuring all the vintage Lucas eye candy, including the DEATH STAR, which the movie is about, and best of all, Imperial Walkers, which are, by the way, what the young Peter Parker compares his "giant leg spinning" strategy to (saying "Does anyone remember THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK?" followed by, surprise, Tony being sarcastic) during that one fight scene that makes this movie, this movie.